Keep in mind I’m talking about an online voting pool that compares attractive women, athletes, media and hodge podge, the last of which was an appetizer when I waited tables at Big John’s. You received three mozzarella sticks, a few ounces of onion rings and a decent serving of french fries. What I’m saying is take this all with a grain of salt.
They are down to their Elite Eight. I’m comically offended by who and what is remaining, especially in two categories: women and media.
1. Women — Down to Kate Upton and Mila Kunis, which is fitting because there were nine different Upton-like Barbies on the ballot. If these are the two hottest women going right now in America, I’m chewing glaciers. I had a crush on Kunis during the hey-day of “That 70s Show,” but she looks exactly the same as she did then. Only now, she’s had fake oral sex on film with crazy Natalie Portman (who in my opinion is 42x better-looking even with the bizarre laugh). So, classic: American males are of the mindset that “since she was paid a lot of money to do that for an Oscar, clearly she wants to make out with me and some otherworldly beautiful chick.” Also, by the way, it’s considered “art” because — spoiler alert — “it’s a conception of how she self-gratifies.” Screw off, world.
Now we come to Upton, who sounds like a baseball player. She was “Sports Illustrated’s” Swimsuit Issue “Rookie of the Year” because this was her first year wearing a bathing suit and it turned out okay for everyone. I’d paste a picture, but I bet you can imagine what she looks like: blonde with a body that only slightly resembles someone who’s ever eaten something larger than a grape… peeled.
But wait: there’s more! Upton miraculously scored a modeling contract despite her tough upbringing as the niece of a Congressman (who coincidentally is involved in our country’s India Caucus, which sounds like a band featuring nine guitar players and a robot who plays the tangerine). She was a champion horse rider, but has emerged from nowhere (i.e. her publicist) to have slutty photos online with shotglasses between her cannonballs (scandal!) and was named Esquire’s “THE” woman of the summer (so glad I seriously just subscribed to this for a whole $5 two days ago. Butterknife my aura, would you?).
In the meantime, Marisa Miller is apparently not even worthy of a spot on the Top 16 (not that I care, but wasn’t she Helen of Troy last week?). Upton beat Beyonce (seriously?), Alex Morgan (impartial) and Michelle Beadle to get to her matchup with Jackie Burkhart. Again, The Big Lead is doing this all tongue-in-cheek, so I don’t begrudge them who is seeded where or even in the contest, but for real? “But, dude, I can totally see Kate Upton passing out at an underage bar and letting me touch her bum, broski.” Shut up. She’s 20, anyway.
It kinda goes against certain aspects of me to rank women, but for the purposes of this, I’d like to point out where ol’ flavor of the month Upton and second-rate Shannyn Sossamon would rank of the 16 ladies they picked.
Abstaining from ranking Alex Morgan because we work in the same building and that’s one potential awkward work topic.
15. Kyle Busch’s wife
14. ESPN’s Jenn Brown (Upton with a microphone)
11. January Jones (Upton with an Emmy for being the world’s most evil and awful TV character. Maybe ever)
9. Michelle Beadle (older Upton with a brain (not to say Kate is dumb. I don’t know her. She probably speaks 900 languages))
8. Julia Mancuso (Upton with skiis)
7. Christina Hendricks
6. The Two Wives on Modern Family (featuring Funny Mom Upton)
5. Brooklyn Decker (soooo last year Upton)
4. Michelle Wie
3. Erin Andrews (Awesome college football convo Upton)
1. Caroline Wozniacki (Not my fault. My wife and I hit tennis balls back-and-forth sometimes)
Irrelevant anger aside, my window for typing has ended. Suffice it to say I’m not mad Bill Simmons is still around. In fact, he’s ambitious and continues to do interesting things even now that his jokes feel fairly methodical (reality show quip no one understands followed by college hook-up quip kids snicker at followed by awesome reference I get because I’m awesome). I’m totally over Gus Johnson, though. Old dog’s gotta learn new tricks. I don’t find him quirky anymore. He just yells words. I’d rather hang out with Jeremy White while he does impressions of Gus Johnson (this is a compliment to Jer).
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