Thank you. After a week of wondering if my wife was going to into labor, I really needed this. After both of our laptops died within 24 hours of each other, I really needed this. With the Bulls whooped by Temple and a headache from a great wedding and a Sabres team as inconsistent as tapioca, I needed what You gave me with my favorite pro football team’s weekly loss:
Good, old-fashioned rule and ref hating.
— It figures, it really does. On a day the NFL started to give me what college ball usually does — genuine excitement — they go and take it right back (out of Shawn Nelson’s hands).
So, Mr. Referee Man, how can someone go down to the ground while being held off the ground? The Ravens got a win on account of a myriad of things with which they had very little involvement.
1) The aforementioned fumble. Even watching the play in double-speed it seemed forward progress was stopped. You could’ve mentally-processed the plot of “Inception” during the interval between Nelson being held up by the defense and the ball coming out. Nice ref work.
2) Forget ref work, we had stupid NFL rules to sweat today. Reggie Corner picked off a pass to bail out CJ Spiller’s garbage grenade of a fumble, but the rulebook pulls the pin anyway. Well, considering Corner stepped on the receiver’s ankle instead of grass, it couldn’t possibly be an interception, could it? Dear Lord. The movie trailer for that play would read, “From the people who brought you the Calvin Johnson game…”
3) Nice break on the ball, Donte Whitner. Now, instead of planning your celebration, could you kindly catch the ball and walk it into the end zone? Yeesh. Dude plays the game of his underachieving career and still manages to commit two borderline colossal screw-ups!
4) Can’t hate on Fitz for his picks when two of his best plays were the same gutsy-styled throws that got picked, only far less accurate. Tons of yards and four scores should be enough to win. Alas…
5) Do we have any defenders besides Kyle Williams and Dwan Edwards? Paul Posluszny and Chris Kelsay didn’t puke on themselves and Arthur Moats made laudable plays but what else? Drayton Florence had a pass interference penalty that Chris Watson would’ve chastised. Luckily, John Harbaugh thought the massive gains Baltimore was getting on the ground were insufficient for his game plan.
6) I love Ray Lewis as a player, but if the Bills were in the Ravens division I think i’d want to karate chop him in the colon a la “Hot Rod” for the love heaped on him by announcers.
“Oh my! Ray Lewis is eating a squash. What intensity!”
“Yeah, Don, he has ripped right through the butternut with the zeal of an immortal.”
“Steve, I personally wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a direct descendent of Zeus… and Spartacus.”
“$#!+, Don. You’ve ruined my next book!”
Please. “Awesome” will suffice.
7) CCR’s “Willie and The Poorboys” is really helping my anger subside here. Also, if this ends up being shorter than usual, I’m typing the whole thing out on my Devour. Why do they give phones names like Devour? Does it eat other phones? Was it developed by Ray Lewis himself?
8) Cordaro Howard was better in his first start than Cornell Green was in five games. To be fair, Green did not allow a sack today.
9) Clearly, we’ve moved past the reasons the Ravens didn’t win and I have little-to-no interest in scrolling up in this app.
10) Fitz now has 11 touchdowns and four interceptions on the year. I’d expect him to sign a two-year extension sometime in the next two weeks. The Bills still want a franchise QB, but will have the luxury of not forcing a kid into the line-up. Besides, I kinda want a certain massive Alabama DT to help my line. Any chance we can have two first round picks. Oh, there is? How swell, Mr. Greed.
This week’s cut…
Hmmm… well hopefully Green already counts as “cut” and I won’t cut Donte Whitner for today’s overall performance. I’m thinking they may spare the rod on Monday. If pressed, I’d guess David Martin for being an invisible blocker.
Stat line I liked…
— I’ll take the INTs if he’ll continue to make me feel like he understands winning is important. Chan is Thigpenning the heck out of this kid!
Stat line I didn’t like…
Nearly anything the defense did after the initial three-and-out.
If there weren’t any refs and rules, we might win more often.
Down to KC for some BBQ and a W. Bills somehow manage to make Matt Cassel look like the Steve Bono he is and not Len Dawson. My new goal for this team is to be .500 or better over the course of my son’s out-of-the-wombness, which could start any day. If you’re the praying type, and not the facetious type at the top of this piece, throw some words to the Big Everything for us. Oh, and Bills 20, Chiefs 18. Last second two-point conversion stop by Dwan “Not Zwan” Edwards.
One more thing…
We’ve moved our pregame show to a Monday Night Football outing at Hucklebuckets. Come watch my show from 7-8 on Mondays, followed by whoever is tangoing on MNF on a ton of nice TVs. I’m unaware if the collective weight of the televisions is over 2,000 pounds. Also, you can rarely guarantee which random athlete or personality might be joining me for the hour, plus Luke Russert on the horn.