Get Yourself A New Club: EPL 2011/12

For the 2010/11 “Save Your Hate and Pick a Team” column and predictions, head here.
For the 2009/10 “Save Your Hate and Pick a Team” column and predictions, head here.

To join our welcoming and free Fantasy EPL league, head here and use the code: 192535-60340
To join American Outlaws: The Buffalo Chapter, head to the link.
To root for Buffalo’s top mens club, head here (Admittance: I co-own the team).

I’m getting used to this.

Soccer continues to grow in the United States, but we want more of you hanging around with a fun, fun sport. Folks have been quicker to embrace the English Premier League than Major League Soccer. (That said, one of the characteristics we judge is how many American players are on a squad). EPL is a great gateway to understand soccer, just as much as the World Cup… and it’s played nearly every week from August to May.

People continue to ask for an updated guide to picking an EPL team… well, here’s this year’s edition (with a new suggested No. 1 team at the bottom!). Soon, FC Buffalo will be announcing an official home to watch the Saturday morning affairs and enjoy breakfast with non-judgmental fans. We welcome you. Won’t you come hang out?

In alphabetical order:

1. Arsenal
Last championship: 2003-04
Years in Premier League: 20/20
Nickname: Gunners
Location: London
American players: None
Comparison: New York Giants, Los Angeles Lakers

Tons of celebrity fans, some of the finest players in the world, a reputation as a world-class club recently ended by an actual championship… and maybe even constantly overrated. I don’t hate Arsenal — quite the contrary, actually — but a lot of folks do. With a hated/loved coach in Arsene Wenger, a cool big city locale and one of the world’s best players in Cesc Fabregas (for now)… there are a few teams that meet the criteria. I like the NY Giants over last year’s pick: the Lakers.

Soccer spin: I can’t help but think Arsenal’s biggest flaw isn’t what folks used to complain about European hockey players on American clubs: there’s something missing from the recipe without a killer Brit in the squad. I feel like they are constantly a Rooney, Lampard or Carragher (in their primes, of course) away from being unbeatable. Maybe that’s the plan with Theo Walcott and Jack Wilshere.

2. Aston Villa
Last championship: 1980-81
Years in Premier League: 20/20
Nickname: Villians
Location: Birmingham
American players: GK Brad Guzan, DF Eric Lichaj
Comparisons: Chicago Bears, Calgary Flames

Awesome nickname, great jerseys, cool crest (which is a lion atop the word, ‘Prepared’). They’re known as a bunch that loves to hate their team. No matter how good the Villains look, their fans are waiting for their eminent fall. So, while it would be easy to again think the Bills, these are British people, and they tend to get a little surly. Aston Villa does also have two Americans on the squad, including extremely promising defender Eric Lichaj. Let’s compare Aston Villa to the Chicago Bears or Philadelphia Eagles.

3. Blackburn
Last championship: 1994-95
Years in Premier League: 18/20 (Return: 2001/02)
Nickname: Rovers
Location: Blackburn
American players: None
Comparison: Pittsburgh Pirates, Baltimore Orioles

Blackburn wear jerseys that are half-blue and half-white, and have been around forever as an integral part of the history of English football, but have only had moments in the Sun in recent history. Blackburn have let too many good players leave in the past few years to be considered for real, but refuse to bow out of the EPL. You could do worse, but you could do a whole lot better, too.

4. Bolton

Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 13/20 (Return: 2001/02)
Nickname: Wanderers
Location: Horwich (Manchester)
American players: MF Stuart Holden
Comparison: Buffalo Bills

Bolton have spent the most years in England’s top division without winning it. That’s 71 years — making Cubs fans’ grief even more remarkable. Bolton never seems like they have a solid enough roster to compete, but generally are a pretty annoying team to oppose. They often defy expectations, and have a fun-to-root-for American in Stuart Holden (Stop hurting him, England!).

5. Chelsea

Last championship: 2009/10
Years in Premier League: 20/20
Nickname: Blues
Location: London
American players: None
Comparison: Philadelphia Phillies, Miami Heat

Chelsea is the New York Mets if the money they spent actually paid off in titles. They score a lot of goals and have some unsavory but massively-skilled players. For example,captain John Terry likes to sleep with his teammates’ mates. Even when the Blues have glory, they find another venue to disappoint.

6. Everton
Last championship: 1986-87
Years in Premier League: 20/20
Nickname: Toffees, The School of Science
Location: Liverpool
American players: GK Tim Howard
Comparison: Boston Bruins

Everton has one of the best goalkeepers in the Premiership, but he’s underappreciated because he’s American. Tim Howard’s the man, and he plays for a team that is reputable for playing a beautiful brand of soccer, i.e. their nickname of “The School of Science.” Their other nickname has to do with the fact that in the 1800s they played next to an old woman’s candy shop, and tossed toffee into the crowd. They have a goofy, cartoonish looking star. They are the Boston Bruins.

7. Fulham
Last championship: Never
Years in Premier League: 11/20
Nickname: Cottagers
Location: London
American players: MF Clint Dempsey
Comparison: Los Angeles Angels, Chicago White Sox

Fulham is an easy choice to back, if only because they have American star Clint Dempsey roaming the pitch. The Texan has a flair for the dramatic. Rooting for Fulham gives you a chance to hate Chelsea, which is always a plus. Chelsea’s home stadium, Stamford Bridge, is actually in Fulham. Imagine the Phillies playing their home games outside Citi Field. They have a highly-respected coach and are consider overachieving in the most fashionable part of London.

8. Liverpool
Last championship: 1989-90
Years in Premier League: 20/20
Nickname: Reds
Location: Liverpool
American players: None
Comparison: New York Yankees

Liverpool have had incredible success, and won title after title after titles right up until 1990. They still represent at a top-flight level, have big name stars and play a good brand of football. To me, it’s hard not to think of Liverpool as the Yankees, especially when you toss in the relative title-drought that wouldn’t seem like a long time to smaller squads. Plus, like New York, Liverpool was the springboard for some hot rock and roll back in the day. Oddly enough, Liverpool was purchased by the folks who own the Red Sox. Irony, Alanis?

9. Manchester City
Last championship: 1967-68
Years in Premier League: 15/20 (Return: 2002/03)
Nickname: Citizens
Location: Manchester
American players: None
Comparison: Dallas Mavericks, Buffalo Sabres

“We’re going to be good now,” was the cry of the ersatz Citizens fans when they decided to be spenders, but they are for real now. This is the year the Citizens make good on the massive amounts of money their billionaire owner spends on players. Treated as third- or fourth-class citizens by their rivals — they have won before — and spent most of their recent seasons in the discussion, but are not considered a threat because they have a billionaire owner who will overpay for elite players. Call it a mix between the Dallas Mavericks and the Washington Redskins.

10. Manchester United
Last championship: 2010-11
Years in Premier League: 20/20
Nickname: Red Devils
Location: Manchester
American players: None
Comparison: Boston Red Sox

When I got into soccer, everyone told me Man Utd. were the New York Yankees, but this isn’t the case. These guys do spend a ton to win, and are a faithful bunch of fans, but the actual fans in Manchester seem much more ornery than most. Let Chelsea or Liverpool be the Yankees of the EPL, the Red Devils are the Red Sox, right down to letting seeming stars walk out the door and finding suitable replacements. They do have a Yankee aspect to them, in that they have some great traditional fans, but also a bunch of idiotic ones that make you want to light Old Trafford on fire. The book “Among the Thugs” has some of the most disgusting sports fan violent stories ever, and most deal with Man Utd.

The team, however, have Wayne Rooney and Nemanja Vidic who are, as commentators would say, “a joy to watch.” Plus I’m pretty sure Rooney is drunk during most of his matches.

11. Newcastle United
Last championship: 1926-27
Years in Premier League: 18/20 (Return 2010-11)
Nickname: Magpies
Location: North England
American players: None
Comparison: Chicago Cubs owned by Ralph Wilson

The Magpies  are a proud franchise run by a terrible owner who is threatening to make them a moot point in the future of English soccer. Call them the Chicago Cubs, the Buffalo Bills or the Buffalo Sabres pre-Pegula. Like the above, they haven’t won a worthwhile title in forever. We’re talking the fifties, and my goodness have they had hard luck and heartbreak along the way. This club has taken an absolute beating yet continues to find ways to rebound, most recently with a decent performance during their return to the top flight in 2010/11.

The Mags are my favorite team. I took a five-hour train trip while in London to watch them play at Stoke. The fans are salt of the Earth types, and I couldn’t have picked a better team to suit my other favorites. Cursed? Maybe. Drunk? Usually. Passionate? Absolutely.

And to think it all happened because I think their beer is delicious.

12. Norwich City
Last championship: Never
Years in Premier League: 5/20 (Return: 2011/12)
Nickname: Canaries
Location: Norwich
American players: DF Zak Whitbread
Comparison: Green Bay Packers, Detroit Lions… heck, the NFC North

Norwich has twice won the League Cup, so it’s retaste of the Premier League is not unexpected. Rather, it’s followers while rejoicing probably didn’t expect the great lapse in time between spells in the top league. Wikipedia claims the Canaries have the oldest football supporters song in the world,

“Kick off, throw in, have a little scrimmage,
Keep it low, a splendid rush, bravo, win or die;
On the ball City, never mind the danger,
Steady on, now’s your chance,
Hurrah! We’ve scored a goal, City! City! City!”

The club has more than 8,000 public shares in a bit of Packers-esque ownership. They’ve been at their grounds — stadium — on Carrow Road since 1935, so the historical and roadtripping allure is there. Defender Zak Whitbread is an American kid, though he’s never played for the States and was at Liverpool for 11 years.

13. Queens Park Rangers
Last championship: Never
Years in Premier League: 5/20 (Return: 2011/12)
Nickname: The Hoops, Rangers
Location: London
American players: None
Comparison: Los Angeles Clippers, New York Jets

QPR already gets high marks from me because I love the idea of their initials. “I’m a supporter of QPR,” just sounds like something cool is going on. Located in London, a ton of celebrity musicians call QPR their club, including Mick Jones of The Clash, Glen Matlock of The Sex Pistols and others. I get it. Hope they can stick.

14. Stoke City
Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 4/20 (Return 2008-09)
Nickname: Potters
Location: Stoke-on-Trent
American players: None
Comparison: Cleveland Browns, Milwaukee Bucks

I’ve been to Stoke and have a lot of respect for the Stoke fans and grounds. They’ve recently come up to prominence, and are “happy to be there.” Stoke is the oldest club in the Premier League, but didn’t mean much to the league since being relegated in the early 50s. Because of their recent success, they have the feel of an expansion team with actual fans you don’t hate. So, in a sense, they are the Browns without the Dawg Pound.

15. Sunderland
Last championship: 1935-36
Years in Premier League: 11/20
Nickname: Mackems, Black Cats
Location: Sunderland, Tyne-upon-Wear
American players: None
Comparison: Toronto Maple Leafs

I hate Sunderland. Hate. They are my miserable team’s (Newcastle) biggest rival, they live in a cesspool of a town, and even their players have worn shirts that make fun of their team. They have a great tradition — I guess — but haven’t won anything that means anything in longer than their rivals. Their nickname isn’t an actual word (Mackem is short for Make Them, abbreviated). If you like Sunderland, congratulations, you like the Toronto Maple Leafs.

16. Swansea City
Last championship: Never
Years in Premier League: 1/20 (Debut: 2011/12)
Nickname: The Swans, The Jacks
Location: Wales
American players: None
Comparison: Ottawa Senators. Tampa Bay Rays

Swansea isn’t even in England and despite 2012 marking their 100th year of existence, well, they have a bit of expansion feel to them… an expansion team with a really cool crest! It’s a big time rugby area, but Swansea is also indicative of the a travelers dream: friends have told me it’s a gorgeous place to visit.

17. Tottenham
Last championship: 1960-61
Years in Premier League: 20/20
Nickname: Hotspur, Spurs
Location: London
American players: GK Brad Friedel
Comparison: Exciting squad, hate-able rivals? Washington Capitals

Sabres fans would love the story of two former and current Spurs, Jermain Defoe and Robbie Keane. These are forwards who were beloved by their fans yet still sold by their ownership for big dollars. After struggling for a few months, what did the ownership do? They admitted their mistakes and bought them back. Granted Keane hasn’t really made a dent in his return, but you get the idea.

Spurs are a good team to pick. They have an awesome name, a cool-albeit-goofy logo and they play in London, so visiting them is an A-plus idea. Tottenham hates Arsenal, so it’s a good bet for vitriol as well. Spurs also have a ton of extremely likeable and/or exciting players:  Gareth Bale, Rafael van der Vaart and Sandro. Spurs also have a “Buffalo in a huge market” feel and just picked up former US Soccer and Aston Villa backstop Brad Friedel.

18. West Bromwich Albion

Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 5/19 (Return 2010-11)
Nickname: Baggies, West Brom
Location: West Midlands
American players: None
Comparison: Lunatics, but fun ones… Milwaukee Brewers, Wisconsin Badgers

I’ll let Wikipedia show you why I have respect for the fans of this club:

“Albion have always enjoyed loyal and passionate support. Most fans come from the Black Country, though many also hail from nearby Birmingham. The club also has many Scottish fans. The official West Bromwich Albion Supporters Club has branches throughout the United Kingdom, as well as in Ireland, Australia, Canada, Denmark, Malta and Thailand.Albion’s “club anthem” is The Lord’s my Shepherd, a setting of Psalm 23.Supporters of the team celebrate goals by bouncing up and down and chanting “Boing Boing”. This dates back to the 1992–93 season, when the team was promoted from the new Second Division.In recent years fans of the team have celebrated the end of each season by adopting a fancy dress theme for the final away match, including dressing as vikings in 2004 in honour of Player of the Season Thomas Gaardsøe.In 2002–03 Albion’s fans were voted the best in the Premier League by their peers, while in the BBC’s 2002 “national intelligence test” Test the Nation, they were found to be ‘more likely to be smarter than any other football supporters, registering an average score of 138′.”

19. Wigan Athletic
Last championship: N/A
Years in Premier League: 6/19 (Return 2005-06)
Nickname: Latics
Location: Manchester
American players: None
Comparison: Tampa Bay Buccaneers sans Super Bowl

Wigan are a sort of feel-good team with a stupid nickname and a goofy logo. “Latics” is short for “athletics” (yep) and their crest features a tree. “Ye Olde Tree and Crown” reminds me of an expansion team with a goofy name, but cheerable team. My wife likes them, if only to cry,”Friggin’ Wigan!”

20. Wolverhampton
Last championship: 1958-59
Years in Premier League: 3/19 (Return 2008-09)
Nickname: Wolves, Wanderers
Location: West Midlands
American players: None
Comparison: Philadelphia 76ers

My crib notes list my impressions of Wolverhampton as “highly influential and important to the game, with a long absence from relevance and recent bouts with glory and depression.” As tempting as it is to call the Wolves the Buffalo Sabres of the EPL, a better bet would be the Sixers.

IF I WERE PICKING A TEAM TO START WITH RIGHT NOW (last two years in parenthesis)…

I have to start with honesty. My favorite team is ranked at No. 16 this year, because I’m not sure I’d elect a team based on beer this time around (especially when their owner seems to be a lunatic). I also tend to want folks to embrace clubs outside the usual suspects (Man Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal). These are my gut feelings, so don’t be too ticked if you’re a Liverpool fan or something. I think most teams could be fun to root for besides the Mackems. I also probably put Manchester United lower than I should just to tick off my friend Erik. This one’s for you, pal!

1. Fulham (2, 3)
2. Aston Villa (1, 7)
3. Tottenham (4, 1)
4. Stoke City (6, 4)
5. Manchester City (10, 6)
6. Arsenal (7, 2)
7. Bolton (13, 9)

8. QPR (N/A, N/A)
9. Everton (3, 13)
10. West Brom (8, N/A)
11. Swansea City (N/A, N/A)
12. Liverpool (11, 11)
13. Manchester United (12, 10)
14. Norwich City (N/A, N/A)
15. Wolverhampton (15, 16)
16. Newcastle (19, N/A)
17. Chelsea (16, 14)
18. Wigan (18, 17)
19. Blackburn (17, 18)
20. Sunderland (20, 20)

Always up for corrections,

Nick

nick@fcbuffalo.org

P.S. Might I also suggest you pick a team in your backyard? The minor league (National Premier Soccer League) club I own, FC Buffalo, has plenty of blue-and-gold apparel for your rooting needs.