In a lot of ways, opinion writing becoming a daily thing has contributed to some awful, short-sighted, clicks-over-class writing. On the cover of The Atlantic — one of my two favorite magazines — this week, the headline was “What We Can Learn From Same-Sex Couples.” I read the whole article and my conclusion is… pretty much the very same things we can learn from straight couples. Love each other. Love your kids. Things go well. Equality. Wild.

Stuff gets green-lit because it moves the meter, not because it’s worth the read… which is why our LeBron James lessons are about as educationally-valuable as a sick, bored or hungover teacher throwing on a Charlie Manson documentary to teach kids valuable lessons about modern street gangs.

So instead of getting into “What we learned from the Heat” every night of a series instead of waiting to see HOW LeBron responds instead of HOW MICHAEL JORDAN WOULD RESPOND, why don’t we see what the media would be doing to MJ right now if this were his second finals?

1992 Sportzwritingz in 2013′s Internet Whirrled

Game One Talking Points: Chicago 122, Portland 89 – Michael Jordan is the best team leader ever by scoring 39 points and dishing out 11 assists in Game One. After losing in the 1990 Finals, Jordan beat the Lakers 1-on-5 in the 1991 Finals and now he’ll probably never lose again at anything. He could try cricket and win world titles. No. 23 would not let his team lose home court advantage. That’s what champions do. The fan buzz is that Future Kobe Bryant can never be what MJ was tonight: the catalyst to everything good in basketball.

Game Two Talking Points: Portland 115, Chicago 104 (OT) — Reader, can you honestly imagine a Bill Russell-lead team throwing away home court advantage by getting outscored 18-7 in overtime? Michael Jordan’s 39 points and 10 assists are exactly what they are: just numbers. The Bulls need to get Cliff Levingston involved in the game more often. This Jordan is a joke. Kareem is laughing at this performance.

Game Three Talking Points: Chicago 94, Portland 84 —  Well THIS is what the greatest player ever does: scoring, rebounding, assisting, stealing, drinking lime green performance water. The Bulls have stolen home court back with a Game Three win in the Rose City. Watching one-dimensional “stars” like Clyde Drexler score 30+ points only to lose make you realize how special MJ is… I wish he was my son.

Game Four Talking Points: Portland 93, Chicago 88 —  Classic Jordan: disappears when it matters. Portland outscored His Errness and the Bulls 27-18 in the 4th quarter. Clutch? Hardly. Would you rather have MJ chucking up 27 shots a game or the Blazers spread out scoring with Drexler, Kersey, Robinson and Porter. Looks like the real team in this series is catching up to the falling star that is Michael Jordan.

Back to Reality

Of course the Bulls would win Games Five and Six. Of course Jordan would win a total of six Finals, twice doing it thrice-consecutively. And here’s the thing: the Bulls lost back-to-back Finals games against Seattle in 1996. They were crushed in one of those games. That happened again in Utah the next year, including a game where the Bulls went down 24 at one point.

I hate the Jordan/James comparisons, but at least have the decency to do it right if you’re going to do it. MJ was the most dominant “non-big” of all-time, if not the best ever. But he had relatively bad games. He had bad series. He retired 23 times.

So even though I’m hoping for a Spurs win, I’m expecting LeBron to win Games Six and Seven. If he doesn’t, let’s talk about what it means… but let’s at least Google the past, scribes.

Email: wolf@fcbuffalo.org

The only “necessities” of this route are stops in Dyess, Arkansas, to see where Johnny Cash grew up (sadly it’s being renovated, but it’s kinda hallowed ground for me) and a Cubs/Reds game or two in Cincinnati (Erie is for an FC Buffalo road match Sunday against our rivals, the Admirals).

I’m a travelling lad and the family tends to be a travelling family so I or we have done a lot of stuff on the way already, but please pass along your ideas. Also please don’t just settle on sports things — dang Grizzlies Conf. Finals are expensive! —  I dig so many other things more than sports.

Email: nick@fcbuffalo.org

Crossing a street, I first heard and soon witnessed a widish man, probably sixty, with a large white-snow Santa beard and button-down denim shirt nearly as old as his vast Arctic chin fur. His ankle socks rose to meet his voice and he was enthusiastically speaking with two young men about 10 feet from him in the parking lot of this Sam’s Club.

Credit: nola.com

The two men were clearly athletes, tall and trim, and one made the horrible mistake of wearing a school-issued LSU tank top for this afternoon of bulk shopping with his pal, who plays football for LSU and bore a striking resemblance to star quarterback Zach Mettenberger. The only reason I won’t say it was the future NFL pick is that I’m not super well-versed in recognizing Tiger gridders (My only LSU reporting down here involved covering the men’s hoops squad). Plus, scanning the roster headshots at LSUSports.net, nearly half the brunette caucasian players on the team are rocking some form of the unfortunate Bieb-over haircut the international teen mega star ditched a while ago.

In any event, these two athletes were very especially polite with the man, a big LSU football fan who was passing alon impressions on the SEC while asking who they open with (if you have a pulse down here you know it’s TCU in Arlington despite the fact that the game is 3.5 months away). So obviously, this fella’s not a crazy expert but the same young man who made the mistake of wearing his LSU tank top to a SAM’S CLUB while hanging out with the on-field face of the team then answered a question about his background. He said he’s from near College Station, Texas, which lead to this denim-sporting Santa explaining why Johnny Football is so hard to stop. Oh, boy, it’s so hard for the safeties and linebackers to get a read on where Manziel may go with the ball.

Meanwhile I walk by coincidentally (of course) wearing a gold “Geaux Tigers” tee shirt my wife bought me at the airport. By the time I reach the end of the parking lot and enter the next one — approximately 100 yards away — I can still hear some sort of Santa sermon on stopping the Heisman winner. Keep in mind, LSU BEAT Manziel at Texas A&M last year, 24-19.

Anyway, this is one 5-minute stretch. Five minutes, tops. The only five minutes I’ve ever been a part of these two young men’s life. And while there’s nothing particularly offensive about Santa and his summer near the swamps of Louisiana, it’s just another reason these kids deserve their scholarships for more than their football skills. These kids — plenty of whom screw-up, even recently, on Les Miles’ watch — are always on alert. They are the most popular people in the state not named Drew Brees or the Robinson family and they are never off the clock. After all, the trade-off between their “free” educations and the money LSU makes off their bodies is at-best even for the state.

Then there are dogs, who have to love you for survival but choose to love you simply because dogs are the effing best and that’s what they do. The Mendola family dog for the past dozen or so years has been named Auggy. She’s a jet-black lab who joined our family for my brother’s 10th birthday, which happened to fall approximately 3,650 days after he started asking for a dog on a daily basis.

While I’d love to wax poetic about Auggy’s love for swimming, walks with my parents, lazying around with my brother Sam or my personal adoration for using her as a pillow — something that became impossible over the past few months and slayed my heart — there’s one thing that isn’t said enough about dogs: the lessons they teach you about your family are invaluable. I know more about the character of my father, mother and siblings because of Auggy. She was also kind enough to show some silver hairs as she got older to match my father’s salt-and-mostly-pepper stylings.

By now I’m sure you’ve realized that Auggy left us today, but not before teaching us a few more things about each other. Aug had a tumor on her heart that made it hard for her to run, digest and breathe, but I’ll be damned if she didn’t give us one more vintage Auggy day on her last one here. She was a cuddler, a nuzzler and a jester right up until the moment she quietly drifted away from us.

I thank God that my family found Auggy and she found us. I hope the thousands of tears shed, and pets petted showed her just want she means to us. That dog will live as long as we do, settling into the parts of our souls that bring us joy. I love you, kid.

Auggy at my uncle's cottage in Red Bay, Ontario... her favorite place on Earth.

I’d also like to thank the veterinarians and techs at the Brighton Eggert Animal Clinic. You could not pay me enough to have to shepherd families and dogs through that process and they’ve got their bedside manner down to a science (a sad science, but a necessary one).

Email: nick@fcbuffalo.org

A) the depths of my lunacy

2) a decent-enough life lesson

Hope at least one of you enjoys it…

Robert,

Did you teach at the University at Buffalo? I have no idea if you are the correct Robert Zamsky but I’ve been hoping to find you for 10 years now. I started as a freshman in 2000 as a business major because “punk rocker” and “pro hockey player” were mythic and rare in terms of collegiate majors. Second week of classes I took an Intro to Creative Writing class taught by a Robert Zamsky, who introduced to me to strong, emotive short fiction like Raymond Carver and changed my life… literally, figuratively, alloftheabovely.

Life got nutty and I’m not a good enough fiction writer to thrive on that stuff (unless you count writing about sports as fiction in some way), but your — should you be the correct R. Zamsky — zeal for words kicked my brain. For better or for worse (and many would say worse), you sent me along a journey that’s found me singing as a touring “musician,” reviewing music, covering sporting events, writing prose, writing poetry, writing garbage and writing decency. If you are this R. Zamsky, I hope you don’t remember me merely as the hated punk kid in your class. I’ve failed at tracking down the English teacher in high school, Mr. Eaton, who calmed me down enough to respect reading words, so I’m hoping to find the guy responsible for the typing part here.

If you aren’t the correct R. Zamsky or can’t imagine your stint as a TA in Buffalo was so impactful, perhaps you can take this as a small lesson that we’re always setting an example for someone, so kill it everyday.

Where water comes together with other water,
Nicholas Mendola
University at Buffalo, Class of 2005, BA English

PART I: Long Rebuilds

The first part of this I’ll keep short, as I feel I’ll spend a great deal of time on the poisonous hobby of observing the 2012-13 Buffalo Sabres this year. It amazes me how much traction is being given to the notion of what Thomas Vanek calls a “long rebuild” and Darcy Regier’s notion of “suffering.”

Let’s combine the two buzz phrases into one stunningly clear notion: When your team is among the youngest in the NHL and still barely missed the playoffs in an Eastern Conference that looks like a garbage salad covered in fertilizer, there does not have to be a “long rebuild” to become a contender. In fact, the idea that a “long rebuild” should occur in for more than a handful of franchises per decade is pretty hilarious to me.

What Darcy Regier’s true job is this summer is to choose between of the first two of the following three feats and then do the third no matter what:

1) Convince Ryan Miller to stop being a baby and sign a reasonable extension.

2) Trade Ryan Miller for a nice package that includes a big bodied forward prospect with some offensive skill and mettle while signing or acquiring a veteran goalie who isn’t a total tire fire.

3) Show Thomas Vanek by your other personnel moves that it matters less who your goaltender is than who comprises his supporting cast. Extend him.

Now maybe Vanek wants out regardless, which is a major bummer. Maybe you need to keep Miller and hire a gutsy coach who will tell him he darkens a room quicker than a blackout. Adam Oates has clearly done some things for a certain Russian scorer. But the fact of the matter is that if your general manager is walking around telling people it’s going to be a while, then he has zero faith in his offensive draft picks (Zemgus, Grigorenko, Armia) and even less in himself.

Either way, stop talking like a character in a Dostoevsky book. As Ryan Nagelhout espoused so well, you run a hockey team, not Homeland Security. Not enough free agent fixes? Trade your precious assets. Nothing in the trade market? Take an offer than doesn’t make you super happy but improves the team immediately. In any event, stop pretending this is the Edmonton Oilers of 5 years ago and show a little gumption.

By the way, Miller’s personality drives me nuts and probably the locker room, too, but he’s pretty good at goalie. If you can’t find a good deal, exhale and enjoy his talent.

PART II: Sabres-less Playoffs

How many suns does it take to match the fire of my detestation for Sabres-less playoffs? Several. It’s not because I’m a massive fan, rather because I hear other buildings going nuts for their team and think about how I’d rather have that going on in Downtown Buffalo.

But I can’t do what I did last time and not pay any attention to the playoffs until the Cup Finals. Fact remains I enjoy the sport of iced canes. So I’m going to eliminate franchises one-by-one until I find the team I’d least hate watching lift the Cup.

16. Toronto – This is a slot normally-reserved for Ottawa but the Senators have Cory Conacher (Canisius College) and Toronto has the suits that turn the Air Canada Centre into a bus stop.

I gotta watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Clarke MacArthur and probably Tim Connolly in a jersey and no pads.
Hate rating: watching my lower half burn alive

15. Ottawa — Conacher is a nice story and most of the players left from the Neil/Drury days are long gone. Plus, they won’t win.

I gotta watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Chris Neil
Hate rating: watching your sister marry a member of Nickelback

14. NY Rangers — If the Rangers win, then the Sabres can’t hire John Tortorella. If the Sabres can’t hire John Tortorella, certain members of the media won’t have to learn what it’s like to have someone rudely answer awful hockey questions. Biggest reason: New York Ranger fans and that silly goal song.

I gotta watch THAT guy lift the Cup: really isn’t one to see.
Hate rating: Woah-oh-oh-woah-oh-woah HEY HEY HEY

13. Los Angeles – They just won last year and Mike Richards is scum sauce.

I gotta watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Jeff Carter. Again.
Hate rating: Meh.

12. Vancouver — I don’t have a ton against Vancouver as a team or city (well, besides the riots), but I do have a problem with the other team from the Class of 1970 arriving on the trophy scene first. I also think it would be hilarious to hear Regier after watching Derek Roy and Zack Kassian both toss that trophy up, but it would also cause multiple brain melts in Buffalo and that could lead to many auto accidents.

I gotta watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Roy
Hate rating: This hotel room smells like smoke. Is that a dead armadillo on the pillow?

11. Boston – I’d drop them down a ton, but I like me some Lucic plus maybe there city deserves a sports high five.

I have to watch THAT guy lift the Cup?!? Brad Marchand
Hate rating: The neighbor is mowing the lawn at 7 a.m.

10. Chicago — I have very little against the Blackhawks, but I’m not just into the idea of them winning again so soon.

I gotta watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Ray Emery
Hate rating: Sitting through an episode of a TV show a second time because your significant other “wasn’t paying attention the first time.”

9. NY Islanders — The only thing I really have against the Isles winning is the theoretical resurrection of tons of “loyal” Long Island fans who haven’t been to a game in years but are huge fans. “Look at my Benny Hogue jersey!”

I gotta watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Matt Martin.
Hate rating: “Bro, I’ve been waiting for this day for-ever.”

8. Montreal — I actually really like Montreal. It’s the best place to see a hockey game and the fans treat you pretty well. Love Carey Price, too. Unfortunately, they then come down to our house and become the most annoying road fans on Earth. Plus they fired Randy Cunneyworth for not being French.

I have to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Tomas Plekanic, Sabrekiller MD
Hate rating: “Why do I still have this cough?”

 – Dividing line –

7. St. Louis —  The Blues deserve one. I can’t help but think of Al MacInnis and Adam Oates and all the Blues who made the playoffs for 400 consecutive seasons only to consider the Conference Finals a crowning glory.

I get to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Brian Elliott
Love rating: That nice kid down the street finally got his dream job

6. Anaheim — Yes, they too won it recently, but Saku Koivu and Teemu Selanne are amongst my favorite players of all-time and I love Bruce Boudreau (read his auto biography/memoir… it’s fun).

I get to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Koivu
Love rating: Hey! My huge friend started exercising and will live longer!

5. San Jose — They’ve been around for 22 years and have real ardent fans. Would you have wanted hockey fans to crap all over your celebrations if May Day launched you to a Cup? Raffi Torres is a toolbox, but as the Rolling Stones sang “Every team has a Torres, don’t they?”

I get to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Tim Kennedy
Love rating: “An inoffensive team wins the pennant! An inoffensive team wins the pennant!”

4. Detroit — They are always good and rarely offensive. They go about their thing with class and their uniforms are sweet. The only bothersome thing is their fans not showing up til the Cup

I get to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Handsome Hank Zetterberg
Love rating: Sure, I guess we’ll have pizza for dinner tonight

3. Pittsburgh – It’s good for the sport to have a team that’s always awesome and a GM being rewarded for getting after it. Sidney Crosby is a gem.

I get to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Jarome Iginla
Love rating: “Dude, I just found a VHS copy of Macho Man’s Wedding. Candlesticks!”

2. Washington — The Ovechkin resurgence coupled with Adam Oates as head coach (one of my all-time favorite players) … good stuff! The smack that would come from that Russian once he got a ring would put Patrick Roy to shame.

I get to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Ovie
Love rating: Kid on Christmas

Bombay would be pleased

1. Minnesota – A cradle of American hockey that had its hockey heart ripped out and moved to Dallas solely for short-sighted money and expansion reasons? A team that can be rewarded for spending big on good free agents? A team with a bunch of Cup-worthy characters? A goalie fighting multiple sclerosis? Jason Pominville?

I get to watch THAT guy lift the Cup: Josh Harding

Love rating: That lamp your wife made you bring to Antique Road Show is worth $10,000

Yet there are some extremely pertinent questions about not just the Buffalo Bills but the league in general heading into Thursday night’s draft.

For example…

1) Who’s making the calls around here?

I received a terrific email yesterday, inspired by a Chris Brown post on the Bills web site. Rather than paraphrase, let me quote this emailer. We’ll call him “GZ.”

A new course was charted for the Buffalo Bills on New Year’s day. Bills owner Ralph Wilson announced that he had elevated Russ Brandon to the position of President and Chief Executive Officer. The promotion provides Brandon with full authority over the entire organization’s operations.
http://www.buffalobills.com/news/article-2/CEO-Russ-Brandon-to-assume-organizational-control-of-Buffalo-Bills/2ad8aaac-9277-4d2f-88a6-7b73eda1887d

I’m a huge fan of Steve Ott. Honestly, he’s the sort of puzzle piece the Sabres lacked during their 2005-06 hey day. He’s a gritty two-zone player with enough offensive finish to not be a liability.

Ott’s also a walking argument for attitude change, which is why I don’t have a problem with his comments on fan booing even if I believe fans should be allowed to do whatever they want within reason. Capitalism, yo.

For years we’ve heard down in the dumps Sabres answer questions about fan booing with, “Can you blame them?” talk. Almost to a man, we’d hear the players talk about how they didn’t like the booing but they understood it.

Now here’s the new A in the locker room saying the exact opposite thing. No, he doesn’t get it. The bulk of these players are young and weren’t apart of the construction of this $#!+ show, so why are you booing them? Booing stinks. Get on his level.

Agree or disagree, it’s refreshing to hear a guy say, “I want to be here for a long time and this part of my experience has already gotten old.” It’s one more reason to add the name Ott to the list that includes Vanek, Ehrhoff and Ennis on your “pieces to keep” list.

Email: nick@fcbuffalo.org

AB Podcast Number Seventy-Nine: Writing a Book on Murder

AB Podcast Number Seventy-Eight: Post-Pominville talk with WGR’s Jeremy White & Hockey’s Future’s Ken McKenna